The BruiseLike Couple: Reloaded With Crack Humour
by Kattheamazing
Summary: A Parody of Foxpilot's Fic: The BruiseLike couple. It seems like Ganondorf's quest to capture the loves of his life just got crazier, creepier and a hell of a lot more disturbing. Rated T for language and suggestive themes.
1. A love like no other

Wow! I'm so excited about writing this, I could literally kick a balloon Pokemon through the ceiling! Jigglypuff looks a bit nervous, I don't know why. It's OK, all you have to say is the disclaimer and then we can get this parody on the road.

"But...you're not Foxpilot...YOU'RE AN IMPOSTER!!!!" Growls Jigglypuff.

Well YOU'RE about to do a barrel roll through the ceiling, and this time, there ain't gonna be an air mattress to save your skinny backside!!!

"Meep!"

Yeah...you'd better meep. Now get on with it, please.

"Kattheamazing does not own any of the characters, otherwise they would all be dead or rocking back and forwards in a corner, disturbed for all eternity. Oh, and credit goes to Foxpilot because he actually wrote this fic, Kattheamazing just screwed it up because she though it would be FUNNY, which it isn't."

Excellent...NOW FLY!

After receiving a viscous kick, Jigglypuff 'barrel rolls' through the ceiling and floats off into cyberspace.

Now, let's just start this already before Jigglypuff comes back for revenge...

* * *

_Your eyes seem to pierce my soul, their very essence embracing me._

_Your skin reminds me of clear, pure water, such a rare commodity where I'm from_

_That I've learned to treasure it unendingly._

_The petals of your flowers are soft and tender, and I am soothed by your joyous hum._

_For so long I've wanted to express my feelings for you._

_It is only as I write this crap that I realize you can't read!_

"SCREW THE BITCHES WHO INVENTED PAPER!" Ganondorf screamed, crushing the love letter in his hand. He looked wildly around his room, trying to find something to let his anger out on. He spotted his favourite toy bunny, Snuggles, and got ready to hurl the ball of paper at its head, when something even more annoying burst through the door.

"HeLLo FLUffy bunnY MaN. U iz MissiN the paRTIez DownstairZ." Crazy hand sounded slightly more demented than usual.

"I don't want to go to the stupid frigging party! I'm busy releasing my inner creativity...or something along those lines." Ganon said nervously, hiding the ball of paper behind his back.

"Ur RealLY meAn fLuFy BunNy Man. I evEN BoUGHtz yOU a cOSTUme!" Crazy hand protested, holding out a freaky-looking bunny outfit. "PLEAZ wEar iT FluffY BuNny mAN!"

"If I wanted to scare some innocent children, I might consider putting it on."

"PLEAZ!" Crazy hand whined. "I tELLBiG bRo U iz BeInG MeaNZ tO mE!"

Ganondorf considered his options. If he didn't wear the costume, Master Hand would force him to wear a frilly apron instead. Bunny or Apron? Bunny or Apron?

"Alright I'll wear the freaking bunny outfit!"

"YAYz! U pUT iT oN whILE I goEZ TO pARTIez aND Get mORE dRUGZ...I Meanz, PIE."

"Have fun..." Ganondorf grumbled, before getting hit in the face by the bunny costume as crazy hand threw it and whizzed out of the room.

* * *

A few minutes of bunny-outfit hell later, and Ganondorf plodded grumpily down the stairs of the smash mansion to the second floor. Luckily for him, the smashers were all so busy being stoned, trying to hit on people or beating the living crap out of eachother, they didn't notice him. That was, until...

"Hey, is that who I think it is?" The question came from a slightly pissed-looking Wolf.

"No way..." Link gasped, staggering along towards his friend. "IT'S DA EASTER BUNNEH!!!!"

Suddenly, every single one of the the smashers was sent into a mad panic. Some were trying to run for their lives, clearly because they had been abused and/ or raped by the Easter bunny when they were small children, e.g. most of them. (I mean, who hasn't been abused by the Easter bunny?).

Wolf O'Donnell slipped quietly into the shadows, sneaking behind the small handful of smashers that were left and Ganondorf. Nobody noticed as he made his way silently up the stairs.

* * *

Meanwhile, the remaining fighters confronted Ganondorf.

"You killed my father!" Growled Peach, coincidentally dressed as a Jedi Knight. Ganondorf gave her a 'WTF?' look. "I don't know why you're looking at me weirdly. It's obviously true." She protested.

"I know the Easter bunny killed your father, I was just looking at you weirdly because your outfit is scaring the living daylights out of me. Seriously. I thought you'd come dressed as a fairy or something."

"How am I supposed to make crappy Star Wars references without an outfit to go along with them?"

"Fine, I forgive you. I'm guessing you people are here for revenge as well?"

Fox, Ike, Kirby and Luigi all nodded.

"Oh...I don't suppose you'd believe me if I told you that I wasn't actually the Easter bunny?"

Peach, Fox, Ike, Kirby and Luigi all shook their heads.

"Dammit."

There was a pleasant pause, in which Ganondorf checked that his tail was properly stuck on so that he didn't lose it in mid-battle and end up having to fish it out of someone else's dead remains. He then realised that he could have used an apron after all, it was going to be torture trying to get the blood stains out of his bunny outfit.

Unfortunately, before he could ask if he could go and get one, the smashers burst into a mad raving charge at him.

Ike was in front, ready to attack first. He leapt high into the air and lifted his sword above his head, ready to deliver a powerful strike, when Ganondorf rolled his eyes. The smashers screeched to a halt, and watched as the king of evil stepped aside, dodging Ike's attack by centimetres as the knight landed.

Instead if trying to wrench his sword out of the ground, Ike stared sulkily at Ganondorf.

"Why did you do that? It's not very nice to roll your eyes at people. I'm quite sensitive you know..." The knight was already close to crying. Ganondorf rolled his eyes again, this time causing Ike to burst into tears. "MEANIE!"

"Talk about overreacting!" The Gerudo sighed, in a more camp voice than he'd intended. "OK, I'm sorry...I didn't mean to upset you, I only rolled my eyes because I thought...that the costume you're wearing is absolutely disgusting, you look like a freak, anyone can just sidestep your air attacks because they're so damn crap and your hair annoys me. Please change it."

"B-but I thought that a Mohawk would be an interesting change-" Ike sniffed, shell shocked.

"Well it isn't! If you want my advice, go jump off a cliff."

"WAAAAAHHH! THE EASTER BUNNY IS SO MEEAAN!" Ike sobbed, jumping out of the nearest window.

"Cliff, window...same thing." Ganondorf grumbled. "Alright, who else wants to kill me?"

Peach, Fox, Kirby and Luigi all put their hands up.

"Oh yeah, I forgot. You all do."

This time they attacked from all sides. He kicked Fox, who was sent flying through the window after Ike. "Pathetic...my granny has more balls than you-" Ganondorf called after him, before getting kicked in the crotch by Luigi. Fox then leapt back through the window, obviously having grabbed hold of the window ledge, and pulled out his gun. Then he decided to aim it at Ganondorf's privates.

The dark lord was already rolling around on the floor in agony, and knew he couldn't take another hit to his 'special' area.

"You wouldn't...you wouldn't shoot an innocent rabbit-" He squeaked.

"Oh but I would. I'm afraid that your bunny bawlz are about to get roasted, any last words?"

"I do have a few, actually. I'd just like to ask, who are you meant to be dressed as? I mean, you look kinda familiar..."

"I'm wearing a sombrero and and poncho. Who do you think I am?"

"Uh...Mr Saturn?"

"I'm Mario, you idiot! You're the most stupid rabbit I've ever met!"

"Dude, Mario isn't Mexican."

"What? He so is Mexican! Everyone knows that, right guys?" Fox said, turning to Peach and Luigi for assurance. They both gave him a 'WTF?' look.

"Aww! MY COSTUME IS A FAILIURE!" Fox sobbed, throwing the gun down on the floor. Ganondorf stood up, feeling slightly better, and walked over to him, placing a comforting arm around his shoulder. He walked Fox slowly over to the window as he spoke.

"Listen, buddy. We all have times in our lives when we say and/ or do something that makes us look like a twat, but there's really no need to feel bad about them. Of course, I'd say the same thing about you but there's no point, because I'd rather just throw you out of a window and laugh at you instead."

Before Fox realised what was going to happen, he had already been shoved out of the window, the Easter bunny's EVIL laughter echoing behind him. The dark lord was still chuckling evilly to himself when he turned around to find that there was a lightsaber being pointed directly at his face.

"Just because Fox is a weener, doesn't mean he deserved to die." Peach said, before pausing. "Actually, let me rethink that statement a second...Fox IS a weener, and he DID deserve to die, but if you think that you're pushing me out of a window then you're-"

Ganondorf rammed his shoulder into Peach before she could finish the sentence, sending her flying towards the window. Luckily for her, she just about managed to grab hold of the windowsill, and was just about to clamber back up, when Ganondorf walked over to the open space, looking down at her with a sad expression.

"I have something to tell you..." He spoke solemnly.

"Well you'd better make it quick, because my delicate fingers are burning like hell!"

"Peach....I AM YOUR FATHER!"

* * *

Prolonged silence.

* * *

"B-but...I don't want to be related to a psycho rapist bunny. I want to be related to a cute, fluffy, innocent one!"

"I'm afraid that I'm as far from cute and innocent as you can get...but I am QUITE fluffy, actually." Ganondorf said happily, hugging himself.

"LIFE IS SO UNFAIR!" Peach wailed. "I might as well just let go and die!"

"Meh, go ahead. It's not as if the Peach fan club give a shit."

It wasn't long before there was something that sounded like Princess Peach falling from a window, and then it all went quiet. Ganondorf turned round, sighing to himself. This battle had just been too easy.

"Next." He called. Luigi stepped forwards. "What's your name, son?" Ganondorf asked, putting a hand on the plumber's shoulder. "Actually screw that, I already know. It's Luigi, isn't it?"

Luigi shook his head.

"OK...how about you tell me your name then?"

"I AM SUPER NINJA WAFFLE CHEESECAKE!" The plumber exclaimed, going into his ninja pose.

"Just because you're dressed like a ninja-"

"-A super waffle cheesecake ninja."

"But how the hell do you expect me to guess that, when you're just dressed like a normal ninja? Where does the super waffle cheesecake part of you come from?"

"YOU ARE INSULTING MY RELIGION! THE SUPERNINJA WAFFLE CHEESECAKE APPRECIATION SOCIETY WILL KILL YOU!"

"Dude, you've had too much sugar today, haven't you?"

"No...I don't think so...SUPERNINJAWAFFLECHEESECAKE HAHAHAHA!!!!! No...definitely no sugar..."

"Well since I'm here to beat the crap out of you, I guess there's only one thing left for me to do." Ganondorf sighed, picking up Kirby who had been rocking back and forwards in a corner, disturbed by how badly Foxpilot's fic had been screwed up. "Eat marshmallow, freaky ninja plumber thing!"

He hurled Kirby at Luigi, but instead of getting hit in the face by the marshmallow, Luigi flipped over the attack, leaving Kirby to carry on flying towards the window screaming "WHY MEEEEEE?"

"Wow. That was pretty impressive."

"Not as impressive as this." Luigi exclaimed confidently, pulling out several waffles from his ninja belt. "These are my ninja stars, except they are waffles!"

"Yeah, I can see that. Please don't tell me you're going to throw them, though. This outfit isn't machine washable!"

Ignoring the statement, Luigi unleashed his ninja waffles on the dark lord, who stumbled backwards with each powerful hit. It seemed that he was heading the same way as the other smashers, towards the window of doom. He was leaning over the edge, about to fall, when Luigi finally ran out of ninja waffles.

"Ha! You can't defeat me! Nobody-" Ganondorf shut the hell up when he noticed that Luigi was now holding a gun, aimed coincidentally at his 'special' area. "Why are you doing this? Ninjas aren't allowed guns."

"Screw the ninja rules, I'm a plumber! I'm allowed to shoot bunnies in the crotch if I want to!"

"What have I done to deserve this?" Ganondorf squeaked, now terrified.

"Every single Easter, you put Bob-ombs in my bedroom instead of Easter eggs. Do you have any idea what happened when I walked over to them?"

"They blew you up?"

"They told me from the Easter bunny that I didn't deserve to live, then blew me up." He sniffed sadly. "MY CHILDHOOD WAS RUINED! NOW DIE, YA MUTTHA F*CKIN' BUNNEH!"

Ganondorf didn't even have time to meep before the laser beam slammed into his privates, causing him to topple backwards out of the window of doom. His last thoughts were of the ones he loved as he fell. If only he could have survived to see their sweet little eyes, glittering like stars as they danced in the moonlight, or whatever random shit they might have been up to. He was about to come up with some more possibilities, when the world gave way into darkness.

* * *

The king of darkness awoke with a pained grunt, sitting up from where he was lying, now in his own bed. A fuzzy white shape swam before his eyes, and as his vision cleared, he realised just who it was.

"Master hand...um what happened yesterday-"

"-was all your fault, which is why I'm confiscating your bunny outfit, and making you dress like a woman instead."

"Fine by me! I'd rather people laughed at me than tried to get revenge on me for taking away their childhood dreams, killing their fathers and/ or raping them in their sleep."

"I'll just pretend I know what the frick you're talking about."

"It was...complicated."

"Indeed...anyway, put this apron on and start washing the dishes in the so that I can get some sexy shots of you from behind...I mean, take some photos for my user guide called 'How to wash dishes for fricktards and other household failures'. "

Ganondorf growled in reply, taking the apron that master hand had been holding out from him, and marched upstairs to the kitchen.

"I'll just go get my camera..." Master hand muttered in a stalker-ish voice, flying off in the other direction.

* * *

Ganondorf grumbled as he worked. Mainly because Master hand was trying to get pictures of his backside, which gave way to some serious questions about his sexuality and profession. Apparently, not only was he the commentator for all of the brawls, but he was a 'nature photographer' in his spare time as well. Ganon didn't want to know which side of nature Master hand photographed, but it was most likely that it wasn't the innocent side.

"Keep working, sex slave...I mean, household appliance!" The hand exclaimed angrily, noticing that Ganon had gone into a daydream. The king of darkness shook his head, straightened out his frilly apron, and was about to reach for other plate from the massive pile beside him when..._he_ came in.

"Having fun, Mr bunny?" Wolf smirked as he entered the kitchen.

"I'll have you know that I'm not a bunny any more-"

"-He's a playboy bunny instead, aren't you, sex slave?" Master hand said in a stalker-ish voice before nudging Ganondorf, who was muttering words that were so bad they didn't even make it into this fic.

"And darn sexy you're looking too. Can I buy him?"

"NO! HE'S MY FUNNY BUNNY!" Master hand bellowed.

"I was joking by the way." Wolf said.

"Oh...I knew that."

"Look, I don't belong to anybody, and can we drop the bunny thing? That stopped being funny about seven chapters ago." Ganondorf sighed angrily.

"This is only the first chapter-" Master hand began.

"-Well it feels like chapter two hundred and seventy freaking five! Now will you tell me why you're here, Wolf? Preferably BEFORE I rip your bloody head off!!!"

"Jeez, dude. Don't get your frilly underwear in a twist. I just wanted to deliver some presents, that's all." He smirked, handing seven new plates to Ganon.

"Sometimes I wish I hadn't survived falling out of that window." Said the dark lord grimly.

"I saw that, it was hilarious. Mainly because you almost died." Wolf commented.

"Thanks." Ganon huffed, desperately trying to stay cool. "Hang on a minute, you weren't even there. Heck, I didn't even see you leave the room. Where exactly were you yesterday?"

"I was...uh..."

"WATCHING PORN! I BET HE WAS WATCHING PORN!" Master hand screamed triumphantly.

"Yeah...I was watching porn. I mean, who doesn't these days?"

"Not me." Ganondorf pointed out.

"That's because you're a loser!!! Only hardcore people like me watch man-I mean, woman porn!" Wolf growled, making a hasty escape from the kitchen while he still could, leaving a slightly bewildered Ganondorf behind. After a few moments of reflection, he continued to work, placing six of the plates that Wolf had given him onto the pile beside him. The one in his hand had held some sort of meat slathered with giblet gravy.

Ganon's eyes widened slightly as he looked at the shape that the gravy had formed. It looked just like…

"A P-" He started.

"-PENIS!" Master hand cut in before he could continue his sentence. "That's what it looks like!"

"That WAS NOT what I was going to say!" Ganondorf protested.

"Yeah right."

"Interesting fact. Not everyone in the world is a sick-minded stalker glove like you."

"I like stalking people..." Master hand muttered distractedly.

"Sometimes I think that you're as bad as crazy hand. Actually, you're worse." The Gerudo sighed, dipping the plate into the sink and washing away the image of his love...

* * *

The next day was one of the most important moments of Ganon's life, and he didn't want to mess it up. It was his opportunity to capture the true love of his life. He was battling his room mate, Olimar; one of the most pathetic, yet strangely bad-ass fighters there was. If he wasn't careful, he would miss his chance, though, and would have to wait until his next battle with the midget-captain dude until he could claim his reward.

"3..." Master Hand called. Ganondorf squared up his quivering opponent. This was going to be way too easy. "...2..."

The short captain squeaked in terror.

"...One..."

Ganon smiled EVILLY.

"GO!"

* * *

And that's the end of this chapter. I decided to end it a bit earlier than the first chapter did in Foxpilot's story, simply because it was getting extremely long because I was enjoying writing it so much. Consequently, I also finished it a lot earlier than I thought I would, so yay! OK, I'd better go, Jigglypuff is uttering death threats through my LOCKED window...

Please give comments, I love to know what you guys think :)

Until next time, whenever that may be.


	2. You love what?

Sorry for the six-million-year delay in updating. I always have to wait for a sudden burst of inspiration before I get writing, and I'm ridiculously busy right now.

Oh, and I'd love to get porky up on stage to say the disclaimer, but Jigglypuff killed him out of pure rage. Heck, she even tore the stage down and destroyed the rest of the smashers with a fire cracker. Yeah, so it seems like I'll just have to start this thing off before she finds my hiding place!!! (Peeks out from underneath a cardboard box) OK...go!

* * *

Ganondorf's palms flooded with dark magic, and he charged forwards, ready to sweep up the tiny captain in a Flame choke. At the last second, Olimar sidestepped the attack and hurled a red Pikmin at the king of darkness, who squealed in horror as he saw it fly towards his 'special area'. At the last second he remembered his shield and activated it before the little devil could reach its target.

"You red Pikmin and your dirty minds!" He sighed, shaking his head. "Do you always aim or that area on your opponents?"

"Nope, they just like that area of you." Olimar stated matter-of-factly.

"I think your Pikmin need to get laid."

"Same. They seem to have been acting slightly more dirty than normal these past few weeks. I think it might be from lack of a social life." The short captain sighed.

"Lack of a social life, eh? I think I have a cure for that, but it only works on blue Pikmin, you see."

"Really? Are you some kind of social relationships councillor?"

"Um...I suppose you could put it like that. Or you could say..." Ganondorf paused, eyeing up the pair of blue Pikmin among the others behind Olimar. "...that they're about to go straight into my sex dungeon!!!" The king of darkness laughed evilly, dashing past Olimar and scooping up the blue Pikmin in his wide palm. "They're finally mine..." He muttered darkly to himself as he continued his sprint towards the edge of the Yoshi's island stage.

"And I thought it was the Pikmin who needed a social life..." The spaceman huffed, rolling his eyes.

"Sayonara, my mini-spaceman pal. You've been a great help." Ganondorf laughed, slowing to a halt at the very tip of the stage and turning back to Olimar. His eyes flashed with the same excitement Crazy Hand displayed at the idea of seeing fully grown men in bunny costumes.

"I have a question. Are you going to be using our room in Smash Mansion for your sex dungeon?" Asked Olimar.

"I prefer the term 'Pikmin sanctuary', but yes. Our room is the only place I can access a bed..."

"That has to be one of the most sick things you've ever said. Oh, apart from the time you told me about Master Hand's photograph collection..."

"Fifty cents a photo!" Master Hand called from the crowd.

"Shush, you! You're making the concept of Pikmin rape seem like 'K' rated material." Olimar growled.

* * *

Eager to move onto the next stage of his plan, Ganondorf turned back to the edge, cape flowing epically behind him.

"WaIT!" The shout came from Crazy hand, who had pushed past Master hand to the front of the crowd. "FluFfy BUNNy maN! yOU noT WeAR YOu'Re CostuMEz!!! ShAMEz On yOu!""

"What costume?" The Gerudo questioned, snatching a quick glance back to the hand and noticing that it was close to tears. "Oh...you mean the bunny one?"

The hand performed something that looked like a miserable nod.

"Well...I had to put it in the washing machine because it got maple syrup on it from Luigi's ninja waffles."

There was a prolonged silence, in which the king of darkness was sure that Crazy hand would have been giving him a 'you can go stick those waffles up your backside, bitch!' look, if he'd had eyes, that is. Before taking a deep breath in, he finally summoned the courage to speak.

"Was it something I said?"

Crazy hand screamed with rage and was about to go and choke Ganondorf to death, when Master hand dived-tackled him to the ground, pinning him there.

"Thing is, that outfit..." Master hand said worriedly. "...it wasn't machine washable."

"So it's ruined, get over it and buy a new one." The Gerudo said casually. Big mistake.

Crazy hand emitted another blood curdling war cry and started writhing furiously under Master hand's grip, quickly freeing himself. He made a second dash at the king of darkness, who decided it was time to make his exit. He quickly checked that the Pikmin were safely in his palm before making the leap out of the boundary. Crazy hand just missed him and crashed into the backdrop of the stage instead, crushing several of the Shy Guys that had been hovering there. After pulling himself from the wreckage, the hand noticed that one of them had survived and was hovering next to him. Crazy hand immediately started to strangle it.

"DIE YOUZ TERRORISTZ!!" He screamed.

"Now now...just because you're angry doesn't mean you should take it out on the terrorists...I mean, Shy Guys!" Master hand said sternly, though approaching his brother with caution.

"ALL THEY DO IS DROPZ CAKE ON YOUR HEAD!!!! I HATEZ THEM!!!" Crazy hand continued to yell.

"It;s not the terrorists...I mean, Shy Guys you're mad at really, is it? It's actually Ganondorf."

"YeS...hE rUINz hIZ bUNny CoStumEZ! THAT mAKes mE MaaaD!" Crazy hand growled.

"Now if you'll just stop strangling that terrorist...I mean, Shy Guy, then we can talk this through on our way back to Smash Mansion..."

"cAN I blOw Up thE dUckZ iN tHe dUck PonD aGain?"

"Fine, you can blow up the ducks in the duck pond..."

"Yayz!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Ganondorf sat cross-legged on his bed, cradling the loves of his life in his arms. The door to the room he shared with Olimar was now locked, with a sign on the front reading 'Please stay out. Can't someone try and get laid in peace?'

Finally...he had never thought the day would come when he would finally be holding them in his arms, their terror-filled eyes gazing up at his. And they had reason to be frightened. They were in the arms of someone who had a serious fetish for them.

"Today is going to be so much fun..." The evil king squealed excitedly.

The Pikmin both squeaked in terror as he reached down to grab one of them. Unfortunately, his first attempt at holding one of them failed miserably, and he ended up crushing it instead.

"Aw...BLEEP!"

There was a sudden crash as his door flew off its hinges, toppling over to reveal a deadly-serious Snake, who paced cautiously inside.

"Hey Ganon. Wassup?" He asked casually after an awkward silence.

"You could have knocked!"

"Didn't feel like it."

"And that's your excuse for breaking my door down?"

"Pretty much."

"I think you have anger management problems."

Snake immediately pulled out a cigarette and stated smoking furiously. "What makes you think that?" He hissed angrily.

"Oh nothing...anyway...why did you come in? Didn't you read the sign?"

"Maybe I was a bit curious to know what chic you were getting off with..."

"That's none of your business!"

"I bet it was someone weird like Jigglypuff!"

"Oh come on, you really think I would sink that low?

"Then who was it? And why are your hands blue?"

"Blue? They're not-" Ganondorf uttered, looking down at his palms to find that they were covered in squished Pikmin juice. _Blue_ squished Pikmin. "-OK, my hands actually are blue..."

"That must mean...aw man...don't tell me it was Lucario!"

"Sonic, actually."

Snake grabbed a new cigarette out of his packet and started smoking furiously again to try and cover up the fact that he was now deeply disturbed. "Wow..." He growled. "I wasn't expecting that."

"You'd better not tell anyone, or I might be inclined to put the bunny costume on again...and pay you a little visit in the middle of the night."

Snake wasn't sure of what exactly Ganondorf was trying to say, but was scared nonetheless. "Rest assured, your secret is safe with me."

"Excellent. Now get the hell out of my room!" Ganondorf bellowed. "Oh, and buy me a new door while you're at it."

Snake nodded enthusiastically, glad of an opportunity to leave the king to his GanondorfXSonic moment. Scurrying out of the room, he decided to go and get cigarette flavoured snack bar to help take his mind off the disturbing events of the day.

* * *

A little further down the hallway, a hunter crouched, watching patiently as Snake headed off in the opposite direction and made his way down the stairs. So, the wizard had succeeded in capturing the Pikmin, and successfully put Snake off his trail. Ganon was clever, the creature would give him that, but he was not clever enough. The tables were about to turn, and who would be the one turning them? He, the brilliant, the dastardly, the ultra hardcore-

"Wolf?"

The hunter jerked at the sound of his own name, turning round to locate the sound. It was non other than Fox, who was holding out a cuddly toy lamb to him.

"I found Huggles." The Star Pilot stated plainly. Wolf folded his arms across his chest.

"That's AGENT Huggles to you."

"Fine, I found agent Huggles. Happy now?"

"I'm sure that agent Huggles can find it in his heart to forgive you."

"You know what? I honestly don't care what your toy lamb is called. I'm going to bed."

"Good...now agent Huggles and I can continue forming our _plan_..." Wolf muttered as Fox turned to leave.

"What was that?" The pilot demanded.

"Nothing..."

After a moment of consideration, Fox decided that Wolf was probably just going through one of his insane phases again and headed off to his room. Once the pilot was out of earshot, the hunter chuckled happily to himself. Now that agent Huggles was on his side, no-one would stop him getting him getting the preciouses...

* * *

"Oh my gosh! OH MY GOSH!" Peach squealed, almost tripping over Olimar as she raced down the hallway towards him. "Did you hear?"

"No." Olimar grumbled, dropping the 'missing Pikmin' poster he had previously been trying to nail to the wall. It had been a stupid idea anyway, since he had been watching the whole time as Ganondorf leapt off the stage with his blue Pikmin. He just wasn't quite brave enough to request that the lord of evil give them back.

"Well..." Peach said, dragging him from his thoughts "Ganondorf...is going out with Sonic!!!! I'm so going to tell everyone in the mansion and post SonicXGanondorf footage on Youtube even though Snake told me not to!!!"

The small captain smiled as he watched the ditzy princess dash away. Maybe the distraction would earn him enough time to take his blue plant/ alien mutant thingymabobs from Ganondorf's bedroom/ evil lair/ sex dungeon/ all of the aforementioned, and maybe even his bed (he had been sleeping in the kitchen sink ever since the 'event').

It was time to strike back.

The next morning, and Ganondorf was awoken from a peaceful sleep by the sound of his new door being broken down. By who? Only every single smasher in the mansion (apart from Sonic, who was sitting in the corner of his room crying, Olimar and Wolf). They were all screaming something about beastiality and hedgehog rape, but he was too concerned about getting the blue Pikmin, which had been sleeping along side him, out of sight.

They were all squealing in fright, but he carefully scooped them up and tucked them behind his toy bunny, Snuggles.

"Shhh, my lovelies. I will be back soon, and by then these imbeciles will pay for waking you from your delicate sleep!" He whispered, before jumping out of bed and heading to the other side of the room, where the smashers awaited him.

From the looks on their faces, it appeared he wasn't going to be back for a very long time...

* * *

And there we have it. It isn't the last chapter because I've decided to split this into three, seeing as it takes me so long to update if I try and write reasonably long chapters. Hope you liked it, and please review!


	3. If You Love Them, Prove It!

**Sorry for the update taking ages again! I've been annoyingly busy over this holiday, which was when I planned to start work on it. I hope you enjoy the ending to to scarily crazy story!

* * *

**

Ganondorf squealed as the angry mob of smashers bundled him out of the room, and started hurling insults at him for having the nerve to rape their guest character. It was when they started throwing plush toys that things got really scary, and for a moment the king of evil thought he was a goner.

But, because clichés must be present in every one of Kattheamazing's stories, Master hand suddenly showed up and saved him from impending doom at the last second.

"Hey everyone! The Bruiselike Couple won Pikana's unusual pairings contest!"

Plushies were dropped, mouths fell open, and silence befell the group.

"You act like it's some kind of surprise!"

"What you're trying to tell us, is that _this_ story won the contest?" Ike asked.

"Most certainly not! The contest required that the story entered had some sort of plot line, was entertaining, and didn't rape the eyes of the person reading it."

"So, not this one, then."

"No. But hey, this story is sort of related to The Bruiselike Couple...apart from the fact that the plot line has been twisted by the horrific amounts of crack."

"Crack, what crack?" Luigi exclaimed, randomly hitting Mario over the head with a ninja waffle.

"Thanks for demonstrating my point, Weege. You're a pal. Now, if you'd all come downstairs, then we can party for no validly explored reason!"

"YES! PARTIEZ!" Crazy hand screamed as he randomly appeared from nowhere with several bunny costumes in hand. The smashers backed away in fear, leaving a half-conscious Ganondorf on the floor in front of them.

Mutters of 'I'm pretty sure that the original story didn't involve bunny costumes' and 'how did I manage to get myself stuck in some crack fic again?' but mostly 'I'm too young to die!' could be heard amongst the terrified group, who were still backing away.

"How am I going to get laid with a bunny costume on?" Sobbed Snake.

"Easy, you won't. Now hurry up and get your asses downstairs," Master hand snapped.

Everyone promptly ran off screaming, pursued by Crazy hand. Well, apart from Ganondorf, who was still half-conscious on the floor.

"Why...am I still alive?" He stammered.

"Because Crazy hand only chases things that move, that's why."

"Shouldn't you have told the smashers to play dead just then?"

"No, it's funnier to watch them scream in fear."

"I guess," Ganondorf sighed, scrambling to his feet. "Could I just get some rest before I go to the party? It's been a hard day..."

"It's only nine in the morning."

"A hard morning, then. Gosh!"

"I suppose having cheap plush toys thrown at you is no fun, so fine, come down when you're ready."

"Score! Now I get to go and check that my Pikmin haven't been mysteriously stolen by Wolf!"

"What was that?"

"I mean, get some rest."

"Whatever, see you later," Said Master hand said, turning round.

"Are you going to the party?"

"Hell no! I'm going to watch Sesame Street: The Final Reckoning. It has a higher bling factor than some crappy party held by a bunny outfit-weilding psycho."

Ganondorf made a mental note to look the film up on Wikipedia and find out exactly what the bling factor was, before waving a cheery goodbye to the commentator and stalking back into his room.

* * *

"Honeys, I'm home!" He called as he entered through the door-less door frame. There was no response. Shrugging, the evil king paced quickly over to the bed, lifting up Snuggles to check that his Pikmin were still there, which they obviously would be...

"OMIGOSH! My Pikmin haz been stolen!" He cried, staring with a horrified expression at the empty space behind Snuggles. "I totally didn't see that one coming!"

He walked briskly out of his own room, into the hallway, and started checking everyone else's bedrooms. Most of them were empty, filled with porn magazines (cough, Wario, cough) or anti-depressants (several smashers). As he entered Foxs' room he noticed that the computer was still on, and was displaying chat history from some social networking site.

Deciding to be a bitch, Ganondorf went to go and take a closer look. The conversation was pretty short, and seemed to be between Fox and some other vulpine, from her display picture. It read:

_Fox: Krystal. I have something important to tell you... _

_Krystal: Hurry up, I'm busy _

_Fox: Doing what? _

_Krystal: If I told you, I'd have to give you a virtual bitch slap. _

_Fox: LOL, you're so funny! XD XD XD_

_Krystal: It wasn't a joke. _

_Fox: Oh. Well, I just wanted to say that...uh...well...uh...well...uh...well..._

_Krystal: HURRY THE F*** UP! _

_Fox: Sorry, my keyboard got jammed! _

_Krystal: I'm bored! _

_Fox: It's just that...well...I love you. PLEASEDON'TJUDGEME! _

_Krystal:... _

_Fox: Please say something :'( _

_Krystal:... _

_Fox: :'( _

_Krystal: *virtual bitch slap* _

_**Krystal is now offline. **_

_Fox: D'oh! _

Ganondorf made a mental note never to explore Fox's disturbingly weird social life ever again, and left the room, muttering things about ten seconds of his life being wasted.

The king of evil returned to his room, as he was beginning to get a bit tired. He's searched every room, his feet were aching, and the trail of wolf fur leading from his Pikmin sanctuary to the bathroom clashed horribly with the colour of the carpet. He sighed, wondering if he would ever find out who had stolen his Pikmin, when an evil laugh echoed through the hallway.

As he stepped outside his room to locate it, he realised that coincidentally, it was coming from the bathroom. Also, it seemed to sound like Wolf.

_He's probably just playing with his rubber duck collection again. Still, I'd better check on him just to make sure he's not doing anything else in there, like holding my Pikmin captive. _

Ganondorf chuckled at the thought. How unlikely could you get? He wondered to himself, as he headed to the bathroom and opened the door.

"OMIGOSH! WOLF HAZ STOLEN MY PIKMIN!" He cried, staring with a horrified expression at Wolf, who was currently looking down into the bathtub. "I totally didn't see that one coming!"

"Oh, hi Ganondorf. I'm just staring down at your blue Pikmin with a menacing glint in my eyes. I hope you don't mind."

"Of course I mind! Are you trying to get them to soil themselves? The poor dears..."

"They're in the bathtub, by the way. I put them there because it was the most evil place I could find, though I'm sure you're fine with that, aren't you?"

"NO!"

Wolf flinched, a look of shock on his face. "I thought you'd be happy-" he started.

"Return my blue Pikmin to me now, or I shall use force!" Ganondorf bellowed, whipping out Snuggles, his cuddly toy bunny. "If you don't hand the Pikmin over NOW, then his backside is going straight into your face!"

"Alright, Alright, keep your panties on..." Wolf sighed, reaching down into the bath and pulling out a small tray, on which several blue Pikmin stood.

"I said give them back now!"

"I'm giving them back!"

"Not fast enough!" Ganondorf snapped, hurling Snuggles at Wolf's face. The animal dropped the tray, and with one swift movement, whipped out Agent Huggles. Holding the toy lamb out in front of him, it acted as an effective shield, knocking Snuggles away.

"OMIGOSH! Throwing a toy bunny at Wolf didn't injure him...I totally didn't see that one coming!" Ganondorf cried, horrified as ever. "I don't suppose you still want to give my Pikmin back, do you?"

Wolf snorted. "No."

"Well if that's the case-" Ganondorf started, before being cut off by the sound of the door being kicked down.

"-THEN I'LL HAVE THEM!" Olimar screamed from where he stood in the doorway, oblivious to the fact that Ganondorf had been squished by the door. Instead of pondering on such matters, he walked in, whipping out his Pikmin bazooka as he did so. "Say hello to my little friend..."

"No, please..." Whimpered Wolf as the weapon was pointed directly at him. Olimar smiled, before opening fire.

* * *

"So, the reason you interrupted me whilst I was watching Sesame Street, was because Wolf tried to Steal some Pikmin that Ganondorf stole from Olimar, and Olimar then kicked down the door of the bathroom, knocking Ganondorf out, and then started shooting Wolf with a Pikmin bazooka, seriously injuring him, before taking back his blue Pikmin," Master hand said.

"And then Olimar realised that they were all squished because Wolf had accidentally stepped on them whilst he was backing away from him," Snake added. "I saw it all with my own eyes."

"Were you stalking them, or something?"

"Not all of them. Just Ganondorf."

Master hand shuddered at the idea of GanondorfXSnake, before moving on. "Guess I'd better go and clean up the mess..."

* * *

A couple of days later, and a two letters arrived at smash mansion. The first one was from Ganondorf:

_Dear Master hand, _

_I doubt you've actually noticed that I've been missing these past few days, because nobody ever does. Sometimes I wonder if anyone out there cares for me. Life is so lonely and cold without Olimar's blue Pikmin at my side, I can hardly tell the difference between cruelty and hatred. Do you hate me? I bet you do. Everyone does. Everyone in the whole wide world hates me. Even my grandma hates me, and I bake cookies for her! _

Dread filled Master hand as he discovered that the letter was ten pages long. After about an hour of reading through the crap, he finally found something of significance: the last few lines of the letter.

_So what am I trying to say? What are these agony drenched words desperately struggling to communicate to your cold, cruel self? Basically I'm leaving. Bye! Kisses...and hugs...and...oh, never mind. Just bye, dammit! _

_P.S. I'm never coming back _

_P.S.S. Ever _

"Okay..." The hand muttered to himself, moving on to the next letter. It was from Wolf:

_I'm leaving the mansion too, so that I can find Ganondorf and beat the c*** out of him for daring to throw his overweight toy bunny at me. _

_Cya xx _

_Wolf_

Master hand sighed. Now he was going to have to find two new fighters to replace them. One from Hyrule, and one from Lylat. Maybe he could invite that fairy, Navi. The one Link was always talking about...or complaining about. He couldn't quite remember, but he honestly didn't care. As for someone from Lylat...maybe that person Fox was friends with?

"KRYSTAL!" Fox screamed, popping up from nowhere and running over to Master hand's desk. "Invite Krystal, please!"

"Slippy! Slippy Toad, that was the one..." Master hand muttered to himself, completely ignoring the vulpine. "I think I'll go invite him now."

Fox whimpered as he watched the commentator float away.

* * *

The hero of time/ light/ twilight (a.k.a, Link) was happily strolling down the hallway, when the Elfbusters theme tune started playing in his pocket. He gasped, delving into the pocket to get his mobile phone.

"Hello?" he asked.

"Hello! Hey! Listen!"

"What was that? You're coming to Smash Mansion?"

"Hey, Listen, Hello!"

"You're already here?"

Navi's next answer translated as 'yes'.

Link fainted.

**

* * *

Heh heh heh...I'm evil to Link. Yeah, sorry this turned out very different to the original fic, it turned out to be crazier than I thought it would be, and therefore strayed from the plot. Still, hope you found it funny, it's been fun to write :) **


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